Entry Requires Evolution

Tonight you broke my heart.
Again.
Not because you are happy.
Not because you found someone new.
Because you took what you learned from us and applied it elsewhere.
With me, you wouldn’t rise.
With me, you couldn’t find your center.
With me, you didn’t know how to heal yourself.
It is only since you left that you’ve been willing and able
to do that work.

I am beyond happy that you are well.
I am even happy about your relationship.
I am furious and betrayed that you had to end what we had to get there.
It’s been a year now, and you still have that power.
I guess I haven’t pulled it all back yet after all.

I know, I know.
Sometimes we have to lose to grow.
Sometimes our paths have to diverge.
We had grown stagnant and stale in your depression
In my exhaustion
In our resentment.

I know you would have done it if you could.
I know you wanted us too.
In other years, I’ve been the one who couldn’t rise
I get it.
But fuck it hurts.
It’s a wound that talking to you just reopened
Like an exquisite butterfly with razor wings

I will always have you in my heart
You are one of my fondest adventures.
And you were a fucking brilliant teacher.
I learned so many critical life lessons with you
Pain and magic wrapped up in each other.
Cosmos and Earth
Dark and Light dancing faster and faster
Until we were a hurricane

I will always love you
But please, don’t call to tell me you’re married
Or traveling to our places with her
I don’t really want to hear about the house you bought
That looks like the one we dreamed about.

I want you to have an amazing life
I want you to have love and joy and contentment
I want you to pay your bills easily and laugh with your kids.
I wanted that with you.
I still do.

So unless you have a change of heart someday,
Maybe don’t call for a little while.
I’m not over you yet and telling you how great it all is
And how I couldn’t be happier for you
Is true
And so fucking painful
And I might need a moment to put the band-aids back on
Because last night you broke my heart again.